This is an essential question to ask oneself if we are to free our inner spirit thus allowing ourselves to have the courage and freedom to be our true selves and not continue in life as an unhappy lost self. I myself am a recovering codependent, who went through the process of healing my inner child as an adult to arrive at an adult place free from the constant need of external validation, giving others control over me and my emotions. I believe avoiding relapse will be my life's work, its not something we heal from easily and when we are fragile this risk is greater. I believe the first part of the healing process was to recognise that there was an inner self that was crying out for care and love, and that it was my responsibility to reparent her by being compassionate and loving just as I would be with other loved ones in my life. WHY WOULD I SPEAK TO MYSELF OR TREAT MY SELF ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN other LOVED ONES IN MY LIFE. Firstly I got a photo of myself at the age I felt I had cut of myself as a child (we do this to avoid emotional pain) and carried it around with me until I the adult and the child merged again. This exercise is very powerful. I with the help of a therapist in time began to value validate and love myself. I chose not to be around toxic people and started trusting and listening to my inner voice which guided me amazingly. Awareness doesn't change things alone action is required so I started stepping out of my comfort zone, without needing the approval of others my confidence slowly grew, as it grew I got to know my true self and to know true freedom and self validation. Compassion is the key. Ask yourself at all times am I speaking to my adult or child self as lovingly as another I care deeply about. If not explore WHY NOT? Your self esteem will never grow if this does not change, and nor will your unnecessary guilt and shame. We are human, and we humans all make mistakes, the key learning from them is FORGIVING ourselves as we would another. We must not speak negatively about ourselves in our head this will feed the shame, guilt and self disgust that is so ready to take over again because it's our conditioning from childhood. I promise you that when you change how you treat yourself as you were probably conditioned to by some childhood relationship your life will change and you will be free from the need of approval of others. You will then be free to be yourself. Finally some simple habits the inner child would have unconsciously done to not be rejected - people pleasing and putting others before ourselves, justifying self unnecessarily, saying sorry unnecessarily, filling the silence or taking responsibility for the silence out of fear to keep people from getting angry and ultimately to not be rejected. We as adults do not have to continue to do this anymore, it only attracts toxic people that will try to control us. Now having done our inner child work we will do things and make decisions out of choice not fear. Good luck moving forward and enjoy this next beautiful phase of your life.
For more information about the subjects covered in this blog, contact Margaret Parkes - phone: 086 832 0422 email: mparkestherapy@gmail.com