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If you escape a group of narcs, do you give off a fresh scent that other narcs pool too?

Yes if you have not worked therapeutically on your vulnerability that attracted you to the first narcissistic group or them to you..

Could you see the red flags? What were they? What conditioning lead to you accepting these toxic red flags? Would u be able to indentify them early in any relationship now? Would you be able to handle them differently now?

If these questions are difficult to answer do get support from a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse.

If you do not the next narcissist will again be drawn to this vulnerabiliiy like a bee is drawn to honey.

Meantime you can work on becoming aware of some of the basic controlling behaviour patterns of the narcissist I.e. gaslighting/blaming/criticising of you for something they did - to destabilise you, how they lovebomb you to get you back after having hurt you and let you down again very soon after, how they can trauma bond you to cause you intense fear and dependence on them.

Try to be aware of your own language when reintegrating with the world. Your language is a dead giveaway to the narcissist. Do you say sorry a lot i.e. when asking soe to do stg.? If so try not to say sorry unless you have genuinely something to be sorry about.

Watch if you are unnecessarily justifying and explaining yourself. This could indicate you are unconsciously still available to be controlled due to approval seeking.

In the past if I needed to take a day off work I would explain why when all that was required was “ I need this day off on this date can you book me off". When we overexplain this indicates we are looking for external approval from the other person.

I have found personally and in my work with clients narcissists try to make us justify ourselves. We can do this to gain their approval. Do not fall for this. It is helpful to say how you feel for your-self validation then let go. Try not be invested in their response and stay very boundaried.

Boundaries are something narcissists do not understand because when they attach themselves to someone they see that person and their children as an extension of themselves. Particularly the malignant narcissist.

Much of our tolerance for toxic abuse can come about as a result of childhood/teenage conditioning in the family system or the social system.

But the good news is we can change it today for ourselves and for the generation following us. Our children learn from us and their self esteem is linked with ours. I think you are very courageous to ask this question. Good luck with your growth.

For more information about the subjects covered in this blog, contact Margaret Parkes - phone: 086 832 0422 email:

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