Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. Stay very firm about your expectations of their behaviour moving forward. I.e. Do you want him to have a key?
Don't always be available to be visited and do not explain why you are not? Do not say sorry unnecessarily just to keep the peace. Do not justify yourself to him for any of your choices. Don't consult with him about choices you wish to make.
Only say how you feel for your self validation but let go of expecting any reasonable or understanding response from him. You will not be disappointed then. Because you hand over your power when you need a response from him. Sadly what you say will be never heard or validated.
It's very sad because it is your son. However acceptance is the way forward. This usually happens after much pain. You must protect yourself from his control, bullying, disrespect, lies, and manipulations for his own gains.
The only way to do this is by limiting contact or ensuring that there is someone you trust present if you feel it is safe for him to visit. If he is completely unsafe then you will have to consider no contact.
You do not want to be a victim of elder coercive control abuse. Its is very destabilising. Although I doubt that this will happen in your case as you appear to know what you are dealing with and this is the start of your self protection. I can't help wondering who his role model was.
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