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Why and how do Narcissists control our moods?

Narcissists feed on power and control so bringing down your mood provides this fuel for them. They also have chronic low self esteem so if they keep you down then they feel less threatened.

One of their main objectives is to destabilise you. This way they get to keep control, instil fear and get a feed. They can achieve this in many ways.

For example on the way to a social engagement the narcissist's mood can suddenly turn for no apparent reason causing destabalisation in you, while they arrive in great form and you sad and confused.

They (male or female) can keep you destabilised and in low mood by accusing you of things you did not do, or purposely put incorrect meanings on things that you did not say or mean (gaslighting).

They also may not listen to you or your account of events, they might consistently dismiss you, perhaps tell you that you are imagining things, that your reality is sick They may exclude you in conversation or exclude you generally.

Other examples of narcissistic manipulation that gives the narcissist a feed to build their self esteem are - putting you down in company, causing confusion by telling you lies, creating a drama over nothing, getting angry when you express your feelings, being angry generally, controlling finances until you and the family are practically penniless while they are in a comfortable financial position. You may have to ask for or justify every penny you require.

They can also try to covertly isolate you from other important relationships and cause divisions within the family home. They might play games that cause you to be alienated from your children.

All of this of course will impact on your mood and will provide them with a narcissistic feed.

Much of what has been described are examples of coersive control which is now considered to be an offence in Ireland. Of course they can also be physically and sexually violent too.

They also have a dark mood within and to get rid of this they can succeed in transferring this mood into you. They then feel lighter and you feel heavier as you have taken it on. They succeed in doing this through subtle gaslighting.

For extra information on covert gaslighting I would recommend that you Google the excellent ‘what is gaslighting’ podcast on you tube by Dr Ramani. It truly helps us to recognise when we are being gaslighted and how to handle this.

Once you can identify the gaslighting you can detach and start to make healthy choices and believe in yourself again, your self- esteem will grow and your mood will stabilise.

It's also worth getting some support too from a therapist that truly understands these dynamics to support your move forward. Good luck with taking your power back and not having anyone manipulate your moods moving forward.

For more information about the subjects covered in this blog, contact Margaret Parkes - phone: 086 832 0422 email:

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